RAWWRRR

My mom cares more about her fucking dogs then she does me, her own fucking son. This same mother of mine, once had a head stone specially made for a family dog we used to have that had died. Such love and attachment, too bad it was for a fucking animal. It’s almost pretty easy to believe that if something were to ever happen to me and I were to die tomorrow, that the local youngsters in town whom I have known since living here since 2003, would always remember me and spend years talking about me, yet to my own family…I’d be just dead and gone. I wonder if the guilt would seriously tear a hole through my mom’s brainless skull? I wonder if she’d regret that time a couple years ago when she could have moved to New London but passed and then moved to Alabama for no good god damn reason. It’s like she is living down there as if she is on some vacation, with no job and living off a government check because of my dad. Sweet job at being a good grandma to my daughter, mom lol…speaking of which, when she sees a picture of you she says…”what is her name again?” Nice.

I had this dream last night that left me thinking about it the entire day at work. In my dream my dad never died, and also never had brain tumors. In the dream my mom had died in the early 90’s from a brain tumor and my dad had to raise myself and my brothers by himself. My dad was an alcoholic that went on to baby my two older brothers and took shit out on me every day. I was the youngest and the house bitch and if I didn’t get anything done, my dad confronted me and smacked me around for it. Right before I woke up I remember grabbing my dad and slamming him up against a wall and screaming that I was going to kill him and kept asking…“Why do you fucking hate me? Why do you fucking hate me so much dad? What the fuck did I ever do?” And then I woke up.

Am I fortunate for what I have now ? Am I lucky that things didn’t turn out like in the dream I had ? Am I better off having a mother who half-ass cares or not having anybody at all ? I know I love my mom, but god damn it…I fucking need someone now more than ever. I can’t turn to my 6 year old daughter for advice or for help. I have nobody to turn to other than my mom and she has little care in the world for me. I wonder if anyone will even put up a head stone for me when I die ? Or do I have to be a fucking dog to get one of those ?

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