the past, and some Stabbing Westward

In 2001 when I got together with my ex-wife we used to spend hours listening to the self-titled 2001 album by Stabbing Westward. The album was a flop for the band and was a major departure from their signature industrial sound, but to me it is one of the biggest musical gems of that decade. After my divorce, many of the songs on the album would come back to haunt me because each single song held so much meaning to me, but that was something that I felt nearly six years ago and for the first time since then I have played the entire album through and realized something. Each song from start to finish seems like a timeline of my own life since 2001 leading up to this very point I am at right now, in a way it all seems eerie and strange to me how it all fits together.

I spent a good two years from 05-07 feeling resentful and hateful about how things went in my life at the time. I spent from then to 2009 forgiving and forgetting. In 2010 my ex-wife became someone I can call my friend again. But for some reason starting out in 2011 I find myself missing her and I just cant seem to figure it all out. Sometimes I just think it is because I’ve been through a lot of bullshit with other girls and I have let things get to me, or I am just that fucking damn lonely, I am not sure anymore. I always have these weird ass dreams where I am sleeping with her while she is married and I always wake up feeling guilty about it, mostly because the man she is with now is a good man, it has taken a long time to accept, but he is a good guy and that’s not to say that I was the wrong guy, just too young and fucking stupid. I am the man right now that she could probably love for the rest of her life, but I was just a little late getting around to that, and maybe that is what gets to me the most. Right now, I like being by myself as much as it sometimes sucks. Sometimes I think that I choose to be alone because I feel I still have something left that I need to figure out or something that I still need to do before I ever settle down again. I don’t have a time machine and I cant change the past, but what I can do is ready myself for the future because some day I am bound to get it all figured out, but right now Stabbing Westward is keeping me company.

Goodnight.

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