This is my friend’s monkey mask from down in MO, mine is much better 😉 lol. But this evening while staring at that polaroid I was struck with a number of ideas, then some music popped in out of nowhere and the pieces started to come together. I have missed that, coming up with ideas that is. I spent my entire winter and spring dabbing with a creative photo set that I put all of my time, heart and energy into, and nobody seemed much to notice, save a few. That is always the bitch of things, especially for one that takes photographs…if you’re not taking photos of ugly fucking babies and of white trash weddings, you’re a nobody. No one appreciates fine art anymore and no one really wants to pay for it. I will always be at a crossroads when it comes to deciding on a career with photography. I’ve always been torn during my life long love for art and in a way I fight against certain things when it pertains to the so-called “professional photographers.” It’s like if I turn someone down for pictures, they turn around and say…”well he wasn’t professional anyway and never did go to school for it.” At the same time, the same exact fucking folks that called me a “weirdo” or “psycho” during my life happen to be the same exact folks that ask me for photos.
Tonight I have come up with a solid idea for a video and I cant help but sit here and wonder where I’ve been the last 6 months since my last video I made. Six months ago, I told a girl that I loved her and she hated me for telling her that. Told a girl other than my ex-wife 6 years ago that I loved her and this girl hated me for coming out and being an honest man and laying it all on the line. Why find myself in the presence of a girl that I am in love with and keep it to myself only to allow it to destroy me? In the end, she destroyed me and I realize now that because of that I have had a hard time meeting new people, and I have trouble approaching people or not knowing what to say or how to say it. I’ve allowed myself to become a recluse since then and only letting in a handful of friends. I came up with an idea tonight and somehow I have confidence out of nowhere and it feels good again. I feel like I have found normal and that itself, might be a first.