the pressure keeps mounting

My paychecks are now being garnished and they are raping me of around 32% of my pay. So, in the future you might hear me soon say…“my phone is gonna be shut off, I dont have the internet anymore, or I took a shower in cold water because my gas got shut off and I have no hot water….or I don’t have water or electricity, or I don’t have a home anymore to drive home to …I couldn’t afford to drive to work and lastly…I didn’t have a vehicle to drive to work because like everything else, they took that too” I cannot even begin to explain how terrible this makes me feel and how much lower I have to possibly go before I finally hit the bottom. I sent my mom a text message this morning that I think scared the absolute shit out of her because I think her understanding of the message was that I was out to hurt myself or that I was about to do something ridiculously stupid. To be quite honest, I sent it as a wake up call for her that her son is struggling to get by, struggling with the grinds of life itself and is finding it hard to cope with numerous and continous problems. All I really asked of her was for someone to turn to, someone to talk to, someone that could atleast maybe pretend to be my mother, yet I have to be content with the fucking robot that has obviously taken her place while the real her is somewhere off in the looney bin, somewhere up in that jello for a brain of hers. I have no time to throw myself off of rooftops, to throw myself into electrical panels, or dangle to death from a rope or cord and fuck…I can’t even afford a bullet to put into a gun, that is if I could afford a gun to begin with. I do however have lots of time on my hands to struggle because I have a reason for being, that reason being my daughter and I have to keep pushing forward no matter the cost, even if I have to lose everything else in the process. In final, when I think about it, I am a good father to my daughter, but I never was much of a good husband when I was one and I haven’t made much of a good ex-husband either. I am a man nearing 30 that is riddled with holes, holes of mistakes and mistakes that have left me feeling nothing but bitter, lonely and completely hollow. Sometimes I think I kid myself when I think that I don’t feel as depressed as I have been in my life, but the more I dig into the details I realize that the depression has always been there and has never went away, I just got used to it and that’s just the real bitch. I just can’t get up one day and disappear because for the most part I’ve been invisible to nearly everyone anyways.

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